Attachment and Separationby Sheila Somerlock RuthI remember my son's first day at preschool. He was crying as I left him, and I felt like the worst mommy in the world. I needed time to myself for my own mental health, but at that moment I almost changed my mind, almost backed out and took him home with me. His preschool teachers told me that I could sit in the teachers' lounge for a while, and they would call me there if there were any problems, so I decided to give that a try. I sat in that lounge for the whole two hours, and did the same the next day as well. Eventually, my son and I adjusted, although he still occasionally has bouts of separation anxiety. During the time I was sitting there, I had the opportunity to talk to some of the other teachers. One of them said that he almost wished his daughter had made a fuss when she started school. She had bounced into the classroom without a second thought, leaving him standing there missing her already. Why do some children experience deep and recurring separation anxiety while others seem to naturally take off on their own? Every child is born with a conflict between two opposing needs - the need for attachment and the drive for independence. Every child needs to have a strong attachment to one or more adults who will love him and care for him. But the nature of growing up demands that children push for greater and greater independence as they grow. This conflict can be seen most clearly in a toddler. Recently, when I was visiting a friend, I started playing peek-a-boo with her toddler from behind the kitchen island. I would appear from first one side, then the other, then the top. At first he clung to his mother desperately, then his curiousity got the better of him and he came over to see what I was doing. He laughed each time I appeared, but every now and then he would suddenly look around for his mommy to reassure himself that she was still there. Seeing her, he smiled in relief, pointed to her, and said, "Mommy!" Some children have a stronger need for attachment, and others have a stronger need for independence. But all children experience both needs at various times, sometimes fluctuating between one and the other. Separation anxiety occurs when the need for attachment outweighs the need for independence. This can happen at different times in a child's life, and show up in different ways. I've noticed that in my own son, he goes through a period of separation anxiety right before he makes a new leap in maturity. It's as if he realizes that he's growing up and he wants to cling to childhood a little longer. It's not only children that experience this conflict. As parents, we also are torn between extremes. We want our children to grow up and become healthy, independent adults, yet at the same time we want to cling to them, to hang on to that special attachment between parent and child forever. So that's why I found myself sitting in that teacher's lounge, wondering if I'd done the right thing. There is nothing wrong with separation anxiety, in and of itself. If both parent and child feel the need to prolong the attachment a little longer, there is no need to push the child into independence. The independence will come in time, when parent and child are ready. The real difficulty comes when the dominant need of the child is opposed to the dominant need of the parent. When the parent needs more independence, and the child needs more attachment, then the child experiences separation anxiety. When the roles are reversed, the parent can experience his own form of separation anxiety. As parents, we often put our children's needs first, and that's the way it should be. But we need to take care of ourselves, too. If we always put aside our needs for those of our children, we run the risk of driving ourselves to mental or physical collapse. Only you can decide what is right for you and your children, but if you make that choice with love and understanding of your child's needs and your needs, then whatever choice you make will be the right one. Ideas for Dealing with Separation Anxiety
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