Potty Training, Accidents, and Bedwetting
by Sheila Somerlock Ruth
Nothing, of course, begins at the time you think it did.
Time eases all things.
Our patience will achieve more than our force.
When we sign up for parenthood, we know that changing diapers is part of the deal. We're resigned to it, and at first it isn't really so bad. But after a while, it gets tiring changing diaper after diaper, and we start to wonder, "When will it end?" I remember one time when I had to change my son twice during one trip to the grocery store. I thought that I would never finish my grocery shopping that day!
There are few subjects that cause more anxiety in parents than potty training. We all eagerly look forward to the day when we can say, "No more diapers!" But as much as we long for the day when our children go to the bathroom by themselves, we can't rush it. In fact, if we try to rush it, we may end up creating resistance to the idea and delaying the whole process!
"Potty training" is not really a good name for the process; we can't really "train" a child to use the potty. We can encourage and educate, but we can't train or push. Each child is on his or her own timetable, and while we can't change that timetable, we can be sensitive to it and help the child learn what he needs to know when he is ready.
Before he begins to use the potty, a child should be ready mentally, physically and emotionally. He must be ready in all three areas before he can truly be successful. Physically, he must be able to "hold it" and to let it go at will. Being able to do one doesn't necessarily mean that he can do the other; holding it may actually be easier than releasing it at will.
Mentally, he must be able to understand and be aware of his bodily functions. He must also be sufficiently mature that he can hold two thoughts at once, i.e., while concentrating on something else, like doing a puzzle or building a tower, he must be able to recognize that he has to go to the bathroom. This is difficult to do - even for a 37 year old like myself!
Emotionally, he must want to take the next step and begin using the potty. No matter how much we want them to, we can't make our children want to. And if they sense how much we want it, they may resist it as a part of their quest for self-determination. Some children may be afraid of using the potty; others may simply want to be a baby a little longer.
While you can't rush the process, there are things that you can do to help. One of the best things that you can do is to help your child become aware of his own body. Babies and toddlers don't even realize that they are peeing or pooping; they have to learn to recognize the sensations that accompany those functions. Using cloth diapers may be an advantage here because the child is more aware when he is wet. Today's disposable diapers are so good at keeping the child dry, that it makes it harder for him to learn to recognize that he is peeing. I used cloth diapers most of the time when my son was a baby, and I feel like it helped him. Another helpful thing is to let him run around with no diaper or pants in the summertime. If he can actually see himself pee, and feel the associated sensations, then it helps him to learn to recognize when he is about to pee.
Accidents
Sometimes a child who has been using the potty successfully, even for a long time, starts to have accidents. This can happen for a variety of reasons. It could be due to stress in a child's life, such divorce, moving, or starting preschool. Or it could be something as simple as the child concentrating intensely on what he is doing, and not noticing that he has to go. This could happen if the child is learning a new skill or is in a new environment with a lot of things that are interesting to them.
This can be a very frustrating time for a parent. You think that all that is behind you, and then suddenly you find yourself cleaning up accidents again. But no matter how frustrated you are, try not to scold, embarrass, or punish a child for these types of accidents.
If your child does start having accidents, you should ask your pediatrician to make sure that there is no physical problem, such as a urinary tract infection. Although a physical problem is not usually the cause, if there is a physical problem, you will want to address it quickly. And, of course, if your child has experienced a traumatic event, or exhibits other sudden, unexplained behavior changes, you will probably want to take him to a therapist specializing in children.
If there is no physical cause or traumatic event at the root of the problem, then in most cases, all that is required is patience. If you wait it out without putting undue pressure on the child, they will probably work through it on their own.
Night Wetting
Many times a child uses the potty during the day long before they learn to stay dry all night. My son only recently started staying dry at night, even though he has been potty trained for two years. Night time bedwetting is so common that there is a term for it: enuresis. Most cases of night time wetting are due to a bladder which is not fully developed, or a child that sleeps so soundly that he has difficulty waking up to use the toilet at night. Bedwetting also tends to run in families, so children are more likely to have this problem if a parent or other family member had the problem as well.
Parents should not be concerned about bedwetting if their child is under 6 years old. 20% of five year olds still wet the bed at night. Some things that might help at this point are reducing fluid intake at night (especially at bedtime), and waking the child to use the potty before you go to bed.
After age six, if your child is still wetting the bed, there are steps that can be taken. First of all, talk to your pediatrician. He or she may want to check the child to rule out any physical causes (which are rare), and then will probably work with you on a program to help the child learn to stay dry at night. The most common method is to use a pad connected to an alarm. As soon as the child starts to urinate at night, the moisture on the pad sets off the alarm which wakes the child. Using this method, eventually the child learns to wake up on his own before he starts to urinate.
Again, patience, empathy, and understanding are required in great measure. Your child is probably embarrased enough to be wetting the bed, and scolding or punishing him will not help and could make the problem worse.
Finally, whether you are dealing with night time wetting or day time accidents, be kind to yourself as well. You are dealing with a very trying time as a parent, and no matter how hard you try, you may lose your patience at times. I certainly did. At first I was the model of patience, but after a while, sleep deprived from changing sheets night after night, I lost my temper and said things that I shouldn't have said. If this happens, don't blame yourself. Give yourself time and space to calm down, then apologize to your child. Tell him that you know that it isn't his fault, and that you are not really angry with him, just frustrated with the situation. Apologizing will not undermine your authority, and will also teach an important lesson about apologizing when we make a mistake.
Taking a break may also help. Leave the kids with a babysitter or grandparent for a few hours, or even a night if that is possible. Even if all you do is check into a hotel and sleep, you'll come back feeling much better and ready to deal with the problem again.
"Time eases all things," as Sophocles said, and time will help with this, too. I know that right now, you are probably feeling frustrated, helpless, worried, and perhaps even angry. But eventually your child will improve. Before you know it, he will be heading off to college, and diapers and wet sheets will be just a memory.
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