The Other Side of the Coin: Seeing the Positive in Difficult Behavioursby Sheila Somerlock RuthThe other day, I arrived a little early to pick my son up from his early childhood music class, so I peeked in the window to see what he was doing. All the children were sitting in a circle with drums in front of them, playing along with the teacher. All, that is, except my son David. His drum was on his head. I cringed and looked around, wondering what the other peeking mothers thought of my aberrant son. But later, when I had time to think about it, I was ashamed of my reaction. Ashamed that I had been embarrassed when I should have been proud. Ashamed that I saw the negative and not the positive. David often marches to his own beat. But that's a good thing. Being able to be different, to think different, is a sign of creativity, which I've tried to nurture in him since he was born. People who can think "out of the box" are likely to succeed in any occupation. Why is it then that it is so hard to see it as a good thing, when I am confronted with my nonconformist son with a drum on his head? That's the way it is with many of the qualities our children possess. In the short view, as we try to get through the day, some qualities just seem to drive us crazy. But if we can take the long view, we can see how those very same qualities will serve our children well as adults. Take negotiation, for example. David is a champion negotiator. No matter what we say, he feels compelled to negotiate a better deal. Some people may say that we aren't strict enough, that we shouldn't allow him to negotiate. But I prefer to think that he is learning an important skill that will help him as an adult. I've even learned something about negotiation myself; I've learned that if I really want him to eat three more bites, I have to start at five bites and then we will end up in the middle at three bites. He also has an intensity and persistence which is awe-inspiring. When I'm trying to get him to quit what he is doing and come to dinner, it can be very frustrating. Sometimes, he is concentrating so intently that he doesn't even seem to hear me. But I know that this also is a good quality, and I can picture him as a scientist, intently concentrating on his experiments, letting nothing interrupt his concentration. Strong will is another useful quality that can be nerve wracking to deal with as a parent. My son has this quality in abundance; he has his own opinion about everything and isn't easily swayed to change that opinion. I hope that he will keep this quality through his teenage years, when he may be pressured to do things that he knows are wrong. As parents, we constantly play a delicate balancing act. On the one hand, he needs to obey his parents and learn that there are times that he can't have his own way. On the other hand, it is also important for him to know that he can stand up for his opinions and beliefs. The way we try to handle it is that if he throws a fit or gets angry when he disagrees with us, the discussion is closed. But if he has a persuasive, logical argument, in a calm tone of voice, we will listen, and sometimes be convinced to change our position. On a day to day basis, dealing with behaviors such as these can be difficult. Sometimes I get so impatient and frustrated. But in the quiet moments, when I have time to think, I can look at the other side of the coin. I can see how these qualities will help David to become a successful adult. Knowing that, maybe tomorrow I can deal with him with a little more patience and understanding. |