Failure on the Road to Successby Sheila Somerlock RuthWe learn wisdom from failure much more than from success. We often discover what will do by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery. Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat. I admit it, I'm a perfectionist. I can't stand to make a mistake or do anything less than 100%. Unfortunately, my son has picked up on this trait, and gets frustrated when something doesn't turn out as well as he wanted it to. Take, for instance, his recent attempts at drawing a caterpillar. This summer he has developed a passion for insects in general, and especially caterpillars. One day, he decided that he wanted to draw a picture of his favorite caterpillar, the Cecropia. He likes the Cecropia because it is covered with spikes and looks scary. He sat down with paper and crayons, and after three attempts, he gave up in frustration, crying because he couldn't get his picture to turn out the way he imagined it. Not sure exactly how to respond, my first instinct was to say, "Honey, don't worry, it's beautiful!" But I realized that he would perceive that as insincere, because while I was looking at the drawing through a mother's eyes, he was judging it by different standards. I realized that the problem was that he was comparing his drawing to the professional illustrations in the books that we've been reading. Hit by sudden inspiration, I answered, "You've put a lot of work into it, and it's a beautiful drawing for a child your age. As you grow and practice drawing, you will be able to draw better and better. And I love it because you drew it." Then I hung it on the wall. I don't always say and do the right things as a mother, but this was one time that I feel like I did. It's important for our children to have confidence that they can succeed. But it is also important for them to understand that failure is just a stepping stone on the road to success. Failure in life is a given. It's how we react to the failure that makes a difference. It's important for children to understand that failing at something does not make them a failure. The important thing is to learn from a failure and to move on. Success will come eventually. We want our children to learn not to give up after a failure. If we always give up when we fail, then we will never succeed at anything. It's important to try again and not let failure be an obstacle to achieving something that we really want to achieve. But it is equally important not to become so obsessed with succeeding at one thing that we lose ourselves. Sometimes, the lesson learned from a failure is that the thing attempted is not right for us. Sometimes, we have to move on so that we can achieve success in other areas. Life is full of little failures from day to day--a drawing that didn't turn out as well as imagined; a tower that won't stay up; a failing grade on a test; a game that was lost. While these types of situations don't generally require a lot of time to deal with, it's important to remember that a child may have very real feelings of frustration and pain at what to us may seem like a minor situation. A few minutes spent helping a child come to terms with their feelings and helping them put the failure in perspective may be time well spent. The larger, potentially life changing failures require more finesse as parents--a failing grade in a class; an important competition lost; a rejection from a college of choice. These kinds of things, generally experienced by older children, can have a bigger impact on the child's psyche as well as his or her life. It's important, before you begin to lecture or give advice, to encourage the child to talk. Really listen to what they say with an open heart and an open mind and try not to trivialize their feelings with false statements of comfort. Then, you can work with the child to help them come up with a plan for how to proceed. Help them to understand their options, then ask questions and try to get them thinking for themselves. You might be surprised at the solutions they come up with! Allowing children, especially teens, to think through the alternatives and plan a course of action will give them the confidence that they can deal with failure on their own. By teaching our children not to be afraid of failure, by helping them to learn to deal with it and move on, we can help them become people who, in the words of Theodore Roosevelt, "dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure." Then we can be confident that our children will find happiness and success wherever life takes them. |